by No Dogs Allowed
I found a calculator on the BaxterBoo web site that asks “How much poop will you scoop?” By selecting a breed and a name for your dog, you can estimate the pounds of poop it will drop in its lifetime. For this little experiment I selected “American Staffordshire Terrier” as my dog’s breed, since it’s an average-size breed and I don’t own a dog of course, and then for the name I typed in “Fuck You” the first time, but the calculator objected and told me to “be classy,” and so then I typed in “Fuk-U” and it accepted that name. And it estimated that my mythical American Staffie Fuk-U would crap out 14,169 pounds of poop during its lifetime, which is approximately the same weight as 5 Toyota Priuses. Yikes! And the calculator estimated that I would need approximately 16,260 bags to scoop up Fuk-U’s poop, but since we all know that dog lovers often don’t clean up after their fur-babies, that estimate is likely to be too high.
And we have approximately 80 million dogs in the U.S., so if they all weighed the same as my faux Fuk-U, that would be 1,133,520,000,000 lbs of dog poopy over the course of the mutts’ lifetimes. At this point I almost fainted. I can’t even imagine how big that pile would be!
All I can say is “Fuck you, Fuk-U! I’m glad you don’t exist! I’ve better things to do than clean up your Mt. Everest shitpile!”