by No Dogs Allowed
Dogs are dumb.
By now, you may have heard of Dr. Stanley Coren’s book, The Intelligence of Dogs. Dr. Coren, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia, uses “trainability” as the primary intelligence criterion. So trainable = smart. I respectfully disagree. Most dogs don’t fulfill the purpose for which they were originally bred, which makes them frustrated, prone to destroying their owners’ property, and barking endlessly.
Here’s Dr. Coren’s Top Ten List of Smart Dogs:
1. Border Collie: A workaholic, this breed is the world’s premier sheep herder, prized for its intelligence, extraordinary instinct, and working ability.
DHU Review: One of the most annoying breeds, certainly. A working dog that should never be kept as a pet. In my younger days, I used to jog a few laps around my neighborhood, and a neighbor’s border collie usually followed me. It wouldn’t just go around a block or two with me, it had to follow me the whole freakin’ 2 1/2 miles that I ran. I hated that dog. It was always trying to herd me whenever I ran, and I had to stop to let it run in front of me several times; and people would get pissed off when they saw the dog running loose, and they would ask me “Is that your dog?” in an annoyed tone, and I would always say “No, it’s just following me,” and they would make dismissive grunting noises, as if they didn’t believe me. Which they probably didn’t. But I swear, the dog wasn’t mine, and I hated my canine running companion. I used to wish it would run in front of a moving car, but unfortunately it never did.
2. Poodle: Exceptionally smart and active. Bred to retrieve things from the water. The miniature variety may have been used for truffle hunting.
DHU Review: Truffle hunting! How useful – I do that all the time! Ugly, nervous, barking fluffballs from hell. And I speak from experience because I grew up with poodles. Big-time fail. Next!
3. German Shepherd: The world’s leading police, guard, and military dog — and a loving family companion and herder.
DHU Review: Yeah, they were Hitler’s favorite canine companion, and that says a lot about them, doesn’t it? Big, scary and ugly. Maybe good as police dogs, but otherwise dangerous because these dogs are probably smarter than their owners, and they know it. Which makes them even scarier.
4. Golden Retriever: Intelligent and eager to please. Bred as a hunting companion; ideal as a guide and as assistance with search-and-rescue operations.
DHU Review: Dumb, dumb, dumb. Goldens are the dumb blondes of the canine world, and I apologize if I’ve offended anyone with that remark. But that’s how I think of them. We had a Golden Retriever named “Goldie” (such an original name!) that lived behind us when I was a kid, and I fed it mud-covered rocks through our chain-link fence. And the dumb mutt ate them like Christmas candy. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
5. Doberman Pinscher: Known for its stamina and speed. Bred to be a guardian and in demand as a police and war dog.
DHU Review: Dangerous and scary. There’s a reason these dogs are often used as killer guard dogs. They freak me out with their small, pointed heads and large bodies. Just stay away.
6. Shetland Sheepdog: The “Sheltie” is essentially a miniature working Collie. A rough-coated, longhaired working breed that is keenly intelligent. Excels in herding.
DHU Review: Herding – such a useful skill in today’s urban and suburban landscape! I might have use for this dog if it could herd away the Jehovah’s Witnesses and magazine salesmen that come a knockin’ at my front door - but then again, I have the personality of a pit bull, so a herding dog is not necessary. Next.
7. Labrador Retriever: An ideal sporting and family dog. Gentle and intelligent.
DHU Review: F*ck gentle and intelligent, how about most annoying breed ever? And Labrador owners are the dumbest people on Earth. I often see Lab owners amuse themselves for hours by throwing tennis balls and Frisbees for their dogs to catch. Really, don’t you have anything better to do? F*cking losers.
8. Papillon: A happy, alert breed that isn’t shy or aggressive. Known as Dwarf Spaniels in the 16th and 17th centuries, they reach 8-11 inches high.
DHU Review: Great, perfect height for stomping on! Next.
9. Rottweiler: Robust and powerful, the breed is happiest with a job. Suitable as a police dog, herder, service dog, therapy dog, obedience competitor, and devoted companion.
DHU Review: A mauling masterpiece. When a dog that attacks someone is not a pit bull, it’s usually a Rottenweiler. Should never be kept as a pet because these dogs are smarter than their owners, and like German Shepherds, they know it…which makes them even more dangerous.
10. Australian Cattle Dog: Happiest doing a job like herding, obedience, or agility. Energetic and intelligent.
DHU Review: Great, except I don’t own cattle or live in Australia, so it would be pretty useless for me. And energetic means hyper, which means destructive, which is a most annoying quality. Next.
So all of these so-called “smart” dogs should be a joy to own, right? Even Dr. Coren disagrees with that sentiment. “Smart doesn’t mean easy,” he says. No sh*t, Sherlock. Dumb dogs are difficult to keep as pets, which is one reason their appeal is lost on me.
Jack Russells are supposed to be smart – although they didn’t make Dr. Coren’s Top Ten list – but really, how smart is a dog that eats 111 pennies? That’s exactly what “Jack” the Jack Russell (again, dog owners are so clever when it comes to naming their mutts!) did recently in Manhattan. Well, at least that makes the dog worth $1.11. Otherwise, it’s worthless.
And Labs are smart? “Barney” the Chocolate Lab in Surrey, England recently ate over 100 rocks and lived to bark about it. How smart is it to eat over 100 rocks? I think Dr. Coren needs to revise his list.
I think this is the only dog I could ever allow in my house! But then again, I’d have to buy an iPhone, which I hate almost as much as dogs, so maybe not.
Bandai and Fido look cute, for dogs that is. Let’s hope these become a fad and people dump their poopers for electronic pets. I guess they will have to make huge robots for the pit nutters so they can be intimidating and maybe be equipped with lasers to do a cleaner maul job on others.
I’m honestly surprised that twit didn’t include pitbulls as an intelligent dog. I swear this dog craze needs to end before our society declares dogs to be first class citizens and makes them a protected species (more so than they already are).
Speaking of dogs and intelligence, look what’s finally come to Northern Maine…’comfort’ therapy dog nonsense!
http://wagmtv.com/news/daisy-the-therapy-dog
Sure, even if it is really ‘calm’, I wonder how many times the camera crew had to stop filming every time that beast tried to pee or poop on that oh-so tempting carpeting?
From what I can tell the dumb dog doesn’t do anything except walk around and get petted. Big deal. There were no dogs to pet in school when I was growing up and nobody died. Dogs belong at their owners home only.
Yeah, I know! *shakes head* Why didn’t they consider that some of the students may have allergies? There are just so many better ways of dealing with stress!
I wish to God the people who have allergies and/or phobias were as lawsuit-happy as the fools who think they need the constant presence of a dog or they’ll keel over and die. Those with allergies/phobias have a much better argument for ADA protection.
‘Dog breed’ and ‘intelligence’ shouldn’t be in the same sentence together. Border collies are neurotic ass pains. I know someone with one, the dog spends all day trying to herd their Boston terrier. Poodle-nasty nippy loudmouthed. German shepherd-one of the top 5 biting breeds. Golden retriever-filthy and stupid. I knew someone with 2-walked into her house and it was like the inside of a snowglobe. Doberman-enough human kills to make mention. Sheltie-smaller neurotic version of a collie. Labs-psycho. At least two babies killed by labs last year if I recall correctly. Papillion-living toy unless its ears don’t stand up; then it’s a reject and rescue. Rottweiler-second only to pits in human deaths. Australian cattle dog-neurotic, energetic. I know I’ve seen at least one mauling for this breed. The best dog is one with bullets in it.
Agreed! The only good dog is one that looks like swiss cheese! Might I add that Jack Russell Terrier = EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS. They’re wired little shits that bark so damn loud, they rattle the glass, and the ear drum, especially if there’s more than one. Plus, like poodles, they bark at everything. They also think very young children are prey to hunt, like every dog in existence does. There’s no use for neurotic barkbags, and the big dogs are public and environmental hazards. Really, I can’t see a use for such furry baggage! The hedges need to be cut, the fat needs to be trimmed, the obsolete needs to be thrown away! Dogs need to be something you’d find in an antique store! They need to be old news, and go the way of the dinosaur to finish it off!
Dogs had some use in the last few hundred years before the industrial revolution-those times are long since past. Dog should be a rarity not a plague.
Our zoning laws have failed us. Those of us in urban and suburban locales are protected from having neighbors with aggressive bulls or noisy roosters, because these animals are needed only by farmers in rural areas. The same SHOULD apply to dogs. You don’t need a collie unless you have a herd of sheep. You don’t need a retriever unless you go hunting.
Nobody needs a dog unless they have a specific task for that dog, and the only people outside of farms who have any reason to own a dog are the blind. But dogs have been permitted into urban/suburban neighborhoods as “pet” and they have become a noise nuisance, an excrement nuisance, a danger, and just generally a plague.
Now, when are they going to allow bulls and roosters into urban apartments as “pets”? Doesn’t that make as much sense?
Yeah, I don’t get it either. Why can’t suburban/urban people have a few chickens for fresh eggs? Dairy goats? A miniature cow? Urban dwellers in many other countries can and do; and dogs are at least as dirty and far more noisy and dangerous than chickens, goats, or cows.
I’d pick up a few chickens. I’d tolerate the chickens a whole lot more than some obsolete animal with no true purpose anymore. Pff, I happen to like chickens and roosters. Why can’t I have one in my house? Why are we not allowed to keep a fully grown bull in our house either? I know having a dog of any size is of the same danger level. Dogs really do need to stay on a farm. They’re useless outside of what they were bred to do. Dogs should be rarer than any other animal out there, due to all of the negative qualities that come with them. Better yet… why have a dog exist at all? Our intellect had exceeded their usefulness via technological prowess from the industrial revolution. I bet it would break the boundaries even further without them in our current way of life.
Theory: Dogs make humans stupid. Possible solution to solve problem with: Eradication or banishment from urban and suburban living. Possible outcome: Intelligence and hope in society rises.
Not to mention less useful.
I would actually really love to have a dairy goat and a chicken or duck for eggs. These animals don’t make a lot of noise and don’t maul people. And they are useful. But the law says I can’t have them, but I CAN have a noisy, dangerous, unproductive dog. WTF?
And meat rabbits.
I loled hard omg DHU your so funny. yes the only dog I prefer is the robot one so if it barks you can just turn off the switch & the you don’t have to worry about getting rabies or getting your hand torn off.
I loved that dumb blonde=golden retriever comparison, priceless!
And it doesn’t poop on the carpet!
true true
When I was around 5 years old, a sheep dog (or sheep dog mix) chased me and bit at my ankles. The owner let me walk it at the park, I don’t know if she saw me running in circles and hysterically crying, but needless to say it was an awful experience. My mom later told me that they bite at the ankles of sheep to help herd them. The only thing was, I wasn’t a sheep and was standing alone in the grass when it happened… where was it trying to “herd” me?
I’ve never heard of dogs biting sheep in order to herd them. The border collie that tried to herd me used to growl at me a lot, but it never tried to bite me.
They don’t really bite but will nip at the heels to get the animals going.
Here’s the intelligence of pit bulls for you: http://americasdog.blogspot.com/2012/09/bulldog-attacks-his-own-image.html
Pit breaks mirror trying to attack itself.
LOL!
proves that dogs are so stupid.
I could not stop laughing….you outdid yourself NDA!
I have a friend with a Australian Cattle Dog/German Shepard Mix and he refuses to realize that he is a slave to the needs of this dog….this is the most annoying dog I have ever seen…it sheds like crazy nonstop, its greasy, stinks to high hell, takes massive craps…. it’s nervous insatiable energy translates into demands for constant attention and exercise for HOURS (you could have the damn thing participate all day in an all day marathon and it still can’t calm the F*ck down)…when its inside it wants to go outside, when its outside it wants to come inside….it scratches at doors and screens like some lunatic….it is whiny, needy, clingy and is not happy unless its face is permanently glued to your ass (which considering the reputation of the German Shepard part was quite surprising for me to witness)…..you either want to shoot it and put it out of its misery or you want to drop kick it to another state…..the mental health of the dogloving/dogowner population deserves serious scrutiny for allowing themselves to fall into the trap of a codependent relationship with an animal like this…..smh
The dog is greasy? Yuck…that’s disgusting.
Your description of your friend’s AC/German Shepherd cracked me up. Sounds like a great pet and an animal I’d want in my house, lol!
All the Labrador Retrievers I’ve ever seen are also something else…CLUMSY! They just cannot walk in a straight line!
You’re right about that, VM. I’ve noticed the same thing.