by No Dogs Allowed
Dear Dog Lovers:
Today (August 26) is “National Dog Day” in the U.S., and no doubt many of you are celebrating with your canine besties. I, however, will delay my rejoicing until the day I no longer have to live with you or your four-legged best friends, because quite frankly – I find most of you to be a huge pain in the ass.
But in honor of National Dog Day, I’m going to salute all of you dog-lovers for the following characteristics that most of you seem to possess:
1) Loyalty. Because no other pet owner carries around a bag of their pets’ crap as if this were a completely normal thing to do. Although I guess it is normal for you, dog lovers! You are truly in a class by yourselves in this respect.
2) Darwinism. Dog owners are often willing to risk their lives for their mutts, sometimes with tragic results. How many times over the last year have we read about someone drowning, or getting hit by a bus or a train in a vain attempt to save their best friend? And sometimes dog owners are even killed by their own best friends! What a way to go. And no, I’m not mourning your death, dog lovers. I’m too busy laughing at your stupidity. Darwin rules!
3) Gullibility. Dog lovers’ wallets are bottomless when it comes to spending money on their mutts. I’m amazed at the amount of dog-based businesses that have sprouted up like mushrooms in my town. There are four dog bakeries within a 50-mile radius of my house. Yes, four. Incredible I know, but true. There’s also a drive-in dog wash called “The Soggy Doggy” for people who are too stupid to use the backyard hose or in-home bathtub. And we have several boutiques that carry “exclusive canine couture” for those of you who like to pretend your dog is a doll and dress it up. Creepy? Oh no, of course not! It’s completely normal for adults to do such things! It doesn’t look like a desperate cry for attention from a mentally disturbed person at all.
Although if I may offer some advice – I think you’d be better off spending money on behavior modification lessons for Fluffball instead of sequined sweaters. You know, but that’s just me. What do I know, I’m a dog hater.
Which means I really can’t celebrate “National Dog Day” with you, mutt lovers. The appeal of an animal that stinks and barks and wants to turn my house into its personal toilet is lost on me. But I salute you anyway, dog lovers, because without you, my day-to-day existence would not be miserable, and if I were not miserable, then I could not write. And so I thank you, dog lovers! You have my deepest gratitude.
Enjoy your day. I think I’ll celebrate by sprinkling some sugarless gum around the bushes in front of my building and hope for the best. Maybe the Cocker Spaniel that jolts me out of bed every morning will find a piece.